no, no I am DEF NOT pregnant. typo. sorry, wanted to talk about us...
Just took my first sake bomb. I love japan
woke up on my stairs with half a hot dog beside me and the last text I sent was "i make hot dog in toasTer" .
Do you how many people I've successfully loaded into a Mazda Miata? Six. Six people. How? Strategically.
apparently you can't crawl through the drive-thru window
I am at 2.05 miles in under 11 minutes. So either this thing is broke or I should always work out wasted.
Of all the things I am low enough to do, how could you even doubt if that was one of them?
My catholic guilt is strong, but the alcohol is stronger.
Today is all about not throwing up, where the fuck are my keys and does anyone know what happened to that guy in the panda suit my roommate had sex with last night.
I've woke up with the same hoodie on backwards, twice this week. I think that's a record
Then a third Canadian I didn't know showed up to the hotel room at like 3am. I let him sleep in our bed because he had pizza.
Right now you and beer are my only friends.
Threesomes are not as fun as you'd think. I left with a black eye and I'm not sure who's to blame.
Live it up bro, they're always so surprised to find out you use magnums, being such a tiny man and all. It's a good thing.
They are in the bedroom next door. We might have a threesome idk. Jesus take the wheel.
GO. DO.
I am Jesus and I am taking the wheel.
Randomize
