sometimes in life you just needs hand puppets
Where are you? I just made a vodka + cranberry & I’m going to drive there & throw it in your face
they told me her nickname is "wizard sleeve"
pick me up NOW
it was my 21st birthday. took an old mans walker so i could stay till last call. reasonable right?
Some random slut told me I was a good dancer then gave me a handjob. I felt like fucking John Travolta.
I feel wrong giving my mom a cash gift full of dirty stripper money.
My picture of a beer can in a McDonalds cup full of ice got more likes than my relationship with her. Is beer THAT much better than monogamy?
Why didn't I see you last night!?
We made out like 4 times....I think I saw you.
Yeah. I had to take off my shirt. It's soaked in weakness.
No cash. I had to buy four bowls of soup to meet the credit card limit. I'm not even upset. SO MUCH SOUP.
I called you a cum goblin in my voicemail. I stand by it.
I don't know if I want to fuck him or punch him in the face.
He wore the same cologne as my orthodontist so all I could think about was how I hadn't worn my retainer in months
The cup holder in my recliner holds a whole bottle of wine. That's definitely a sign.
If I'm not there when the plane leaves, I didn't make it through security. See you at home! Vegas bitches!!!
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