Horny girl and non horny girl have different views on life
I'm not sure what's more surprising, the fact that she said I reminded her of Danny Devito, or the fact that it got me laid.
He just pushed one of his testicles up into his stomach and called himself lance armstrong. I can't make this shit up.
He used his one phone call to tell me not to let anyone drink all his vodka until he could bail himself out.
What's the protocol when you drive the girl's head into the wall during sex and she starts to cry?
Yes, i finally made it. but let me tell you...i can smell myself right now in class right now, this scent is called alcoholism.
Apparently I was the fucked up drunk guy greeting people at the hotel in the lobby last night.
Not that you went to little darlings at 3am. But that you checked in on Facebook. C'mon bro. You're better than that.
I pulled out moves I did not even know I possessed, our fucking de-throned gods
You're the reason why I want to be a better drunk
I was so drunk last night I asked a rando at the bar to take a picture with me cause I thought he was in the band
he kept insisting he didn't have my number, so i called his phone and my number came up as "yeaaaaaaaaah!"
I just had a random tinder dude give me a ride home from school because my car is dead. Tinder rules! It's like Uber, but with boys who want to impress you.
Question: have you ever spent your Tuesday evening helping your one-night-stand create a resume? Because I have...
I feel like my entire body is ashamed of me today
You're a god amongst men today
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