white shorts are a girls way of saying "im ready to fuck cuz its not my time of month"
His whole family saw that I had cum in my hair once they turned on the blacklight at the bowling alley. You should have seen his mother's face.
I just saved him in my contacts as "Has 2 kids.. don't drunk text"
Our local strip club now has karaoke. Do you realize what this could mean for my sex life?
He told me that a camel appeared out of nowhere and it told him to quit smoking...
If I were there, I'd be putting a martini in you, via funnel if need be, and you would be doing this thing.
I walked home with an awkward asain couple. There was a language barrier but I think we're friends now.
Life for us students isn't all fun and drunken lesbian affairs you know
So scratching an ex marines beard, telling him "nice hairy pussy." then when he opens his mouth to respond, I started fingering his mouth. Needless to say was a horrible idea
We need to get stoned and watch Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles 2. This has become a priority. Schedule accordingly.
Maybe next year when I'm 30 I will be over puking at lunch on Fridays. Maybe
You would think a husband, a boyfriend, and a vibrator would be enough. But sadly it's not
I almost had sex at the fire station last night and I need you to acknowledge all the awesomeness that is in that sentence.
Oh and it took quite a bit of doing, but I managed to wipe my butt with the hat you left in my car
i texted "amiibo vore" to my insurance agent instead of someone else. do you think they'll raise my rates out of disgust?
Randomize
