Dear everyone that texted me last night wondering where i was. i ended up face down blacked up drunk before i made it to the party. My bad
doesn't he have a GF?
that just means you have to try harder.
i didn't have to try TOO hard, just told him i didn't want to know his name or...
Ever have the mailman look at you like youre a chronic masterbator. I have.
gin and tonic in a mug. no limes so im using canned madarin oragnes. classy or trashy?
homeless.
i just got a fart via voicenote. blackberry has officially changed history.
Got a handy at the foam party. Took girl home. Banged her. Thanked her for foam handy. "what handy?"
I will accept it in the form of tooth necklace but if you have better ideas I am open to suggestions.
You know what would make this walk of shame even better? Picking up my cap n gown on the way to my car
Ooo, yeah! Thanksgiving will be a blast. Can't fuckin wait for the next round of "have you found a nice young man yet?" Followed by a lovely helping of "don't worry, there's someone out there for you."
it is basically gonna be an ugly Christmas sweater rave
I finally had to say "that's the hole where I pee" for him to understand.
I woke up missing my shoes and my left eyebrow. MY. EYEBROW.
Oh and people at work think i got knocked up so my gay roomie is claiming it as his lol
Someone drank my pedialite!
YOU drank your pedialite. I watched you chase shots with it!
I may or may not have puked near a bear on the side of the road this morning.
Randomize
