onenightstand. Woke up and saw my nuva ring on the floor. apparently he thought it was a glow stick. pick me up please?
he didnt ask why there was a glowstick shoved up your vag?
I had to sleep with my math professor to pass algebra. Apparently my blowjobs are only C+ quality
they're mlb prospects.. of course i'm gonna bang one of them.
The sex I just had was not worth missing a girls night out.
How was my weekend? I just blew my nose and a gram of coke fell out. My weekend was fantastic.
If our text convos ever saw the light of day lives would be in tatters
Yeah, I fucked him. and the worst part is his name was Jesus. And nobody said it in Spanish. Just Jesus. There is no way I can avoid burning when I walk into a church from now on.
Lol yeah. Because I just woke him up to blow him for being hot.
You drink too much. You cuss too much. You have questionable morals. You're everything I've ever wanted in a friend.
We do have a rich storied history of emotional warfare
That awkward moment when you bring a guy back to your place then have to tell him you only have magnums.
How was that girls surprise party last night?
Got absolutely destroyed tried to put somebody's leather jacket on and make out with their mother. You know.. the norm
Still drunk, heading to class.
It's 3 a.m. Dude
Doesn't mean I'm not at my desk. Ill wait.
twas supposed to be night one of rebound break but it was night one of get sloppy drunk and dance half naked in an ice shack
I'm gonna invite every single tinder date I've had to my birthday. Let them fight, battle Royale style. The winner gets to fuck me. \n\nBest. Birthday. Ever
Randomize
