Dude. I haven't taken a shit in a week.
Try anal, it works wonders.
don't thank me. stop putting your penis in foreign objects.
i forgot what you looked like. so we left to get pizza. sorry
We woke up, fucked, and shared a piece of my sister's first communion cake for breakfast.
And you thought you were going to hell last weekend.
Your my favorite hello and hardest goodbye.
And I especially mean that last part, half the time you pass out somewhere and it is impossible to get you to leave.
She just tagged pictures of you wrapped in the "above the influence banner" like a toga.
He told her hed rather go bobbing for apples in puke than have sex with her.
Just successfully made home fries from potatoes we used as bowls while stoned as shit. I deserve a trophy.
I just got carded by a ten year old.
He's on the floor in just a Burberry tie. All my girl parts just tapped out.
You put me in such a good mood with that road head, I bought everyone at Hooters donuts.
Pretty sure I used toilet water to wash vomit off my face last night...
Yo I get this girl alone in my room last night but she bounces cus she thought the full house poster was "weird"
Went home last night with that hot British guy. Sounded like I was f-ing in a Harry Potter movie.
You just can't go back to being friends with someone after you sucked their balls
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