my fart just smelled so bad i acutally gagged
just because you are now my girlfriend does not mean you can text me nasty shit
You turned to me, asked if I was having fun yet, and then threw up onto my jeans. Thanks for the awesome first time partying experience
I feel like I should I write an apology note to the frat for falling down stairs, passing out on the couch, and chugging the entire bottle of burnetts at semiforml last weekend. Apparently I was the main topic of discussion at their chapter meeting last night.
Just think, if your stepsister would've gotten knocked up 2 years earlier, she could've had a TV show. What a bitch.
Puked in my laptop case in the middle of my nutrition class.
My dad is drinking wine out of a measuring cup. This explains so much.
Trying to figure out which chair my head was under last night
Gay bathhouses. They're actually a thing. So god does exist. And he doesn't hate me as much as you think he does
I was chasing pulls of fireball with bites of a bagel and yelling at people to take tequila shots with me. I shouldn't be allowed to go out alone.
Going to dump some dried Xanax powder into some Mac and cheese. Can't think of a better way to avoid tasting it.
I don't know how to reply to him. 'I'm glad the ecstasy my friend tricked you into taking wore off'...? It just doesn't seem sincere
And if you put this on Facebook, I will drop live cockroaches in your mouth while you sleep and then smother you with a pillow.
You always say the most romantic things
Life lesson: if a hot naked girl tells you to spit on something, you spit on it. No questions.
Sext me about skeletons
You told me you were trying to learn all the MLB ballparks while you waited for your porn to load.
Randomize
