just threw up while drinking by myself. This is all your fault. You here = a good night, You not here = alcoholism
he accidentally used the toothbrush i use to induce my bulemia...i feel like this is something he shouldnt find out...
I wrote and sealed my mom's mothers day card last night while intoxicated.. should i put it in the maibox
without a question
i've never heard her scream louder than when the koreans scored. what am i lacking in bed?
I smelled my fingers after she left and they smelt like sugar cookies. I want that one again.
i lnow ive slrrwsdy teted you this. but goddamn girl on tv is a good song
I feel like he knows I had a dream about him eating me out in the janitors closet at the holiday party. He's giving me THAT look.
I'm calling into work with a wicked case of sledge hammer crotch. She has to understand
she gave me a blowjob during our lunchbreak and expected me not to tell people
Bad news? she threw her drink in his face, left her phone at the club, and disappeared. I found her laying in bed with the bottle she stole from our VIP service. Good news is she's asleep and I have the bottle, come home
I only saw you for about 5 min, but you were rambling about how not even the whiskey could make you fight the skeleton guards.
I rolled joints beforehand. Lit a candle. Ghetto rigged taping the 40's on my hands and then lit the joint using the flame of the candle.
I'm so proud of your modern ingenuity
Yeah then you killed that bottle of Bacardi in under 20 minutes. So much for being an organ donor.
Lost and found: pink cotton underwear next to my bed and soaking wet Reebok socks or boxers in a plastic bag...in my fridge🤔
No I got a fucking mosquito bite on my vagina. Summer is off to a bumpy start.
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