im in Michaels with rachel and i see a little boy jumping around and waving a rainbow pompom. Welcome to our team little one
Just threw up in the garbage can outside the liquor store... I'm pretty sure that's some sort of distress signal.
dude she looked like Newman from Seinfeld I'm done with this wingman shit
Yep and i guess after he came back from that he sat down next to me and i just put my hand right on his penis just casually like it was his leg
styled my pubes into a mustache as a surprise. Thought you should know
I FOUND THE NORMAL CONDOMS. THIS IS GOD TELLING ME TO CHASE AFTER MY DREAM.
i found out she really is a mensa member
so she was the smartest passed out on the floor hair encrusted in vomit girl at the party
It has been so long since I got any action that I have decided to change my vagina's name from "the chamber of judgement" to "the cave of forgotten dreams".
I arrived home at 7am wearing nothing but my underwear and a fedora. I ate half a dozen deviled eggs. Put Katy Perry on repeat. And cried myself to sleep. We cannot go out on Thursday anymore
My mind just played a snippet of me asking to be a Joey and trying to climb into your apron pocket...
I'm going to get old and fat one day... probably pretty soon and I'm not going to have any pictures to show to my cats of what I once looked like.
I was giving him a blowjob but we had to stop because he started crying when his cat walked in and started staring at us
She sent me a video of herself sitting in the car stone faced listening to the Titanic song on silence. She won't answer my texts.
I got St Patrick's Day drunk on Friday and apparently ordered a Total Gym in the middle of the night
Theres about 23 grilled cheese sandwiches stuck to my ceiling and tomato soup all over the kitchen. You are never allowed over again. Ever.
Randomize
