does your mom think i'm crazy? i just realized i played both the gay dad and the ex-jew card tonight. i blame the wine
I swear coke makes your nose hairs grow out of control
Everything we own is covered in grass and KY
the best part about being a teacher is there are always 20 little kids around me to blame my farts on
She is two pictures of justin bieber away from being blocked from my news feed
I think ppl see us as an unstoppable drunken force
I'm starting to think you fell asleep on your kitchen floor pantless with salsa spilt around you
I need to ask my mom where the drain cleaner is, but I'm afraid she'll ask why and the answer to that will just be "cum."
Do you have any puffy paint? I want to put "fiesta muthafuckas" on my sombrero but its too much to bedazzle.
I think when Jesus turned water into wine it was a sign that we should get drunk off Sangria tonight. Do it for Jesus. He died for your sins.
I'm pretty sure male strippers are the last things I need in my life right now.
I last recall trying to play piano and asking justin for drugs. I would like to think I then gracefully laid down on the couch and shut my eyes like a sleeping kitten.
60% of the guys I've slept with are on my holiday greeting card mailing list. I'm an amazing ex lover.
It's totally a relationship. we have sex in other people's beds, watch mad men while high and get drunk on his teammates' beer. don't you dare stomp on my dreams with your societal judgments
Apologies that our conversations always turn to butt sex or penis size. I thought we out grew that in our 20's.
Randomize
