i hate sounding clingy, but i just wanted to verify i wasn't an asshole in your mind
sarcasm needs its own font
i drank out of a bidet.
we're almost there. Shes pounding on the car window telling the nurse whos on a smoke break to fuck off.
He threw up in a cup in the limo and when he got out the bouncer told him he couldn't bring drinks in so he gave the glass to that dumb girl we brought with us from c street.
I know, she tried to drink it
The number of injuries I get impersonating Shakira while drunk is getting ridiculous. Sprained vagina, dude.
I drew a giraffe.. But she did say that bumped that test up from a 39 to a 40. It's the little things.
the dj asked me quote "are you sure you're sober enough to do this?" And I grabbed the mic from him and said "ill fucking show you sober- HIT IT". I also dropped the mic at the end so he had to come around and pick it up
Shania Twain would have been proud
I have to have sex on a bidet. I'm not sure what kind, but it's reason #4 for an Italian vacation!
Bed, food, and you got really nice boobs. That's it really. Foundations of friendship right there.
All this studying of HIV makes me want to have sex with you.
Sorry for prompting a philosophical penis discussion at 10:45 on a Friday night.
Just found $31 in my desk drawer. In $1's. WTF happened last night?!
I just group texted a dick pic. Wonder who'll respond back first. Ashley Stacey or my stepmom
Just fucked my ex's brother. It is clear I dated the wrong one. Is it wrong for me to continue to fuck this one?
Randomize
