found an unmarked box of photos in the garage, they were from when my parents first got together. It was fun laughing at their ridiculous eighties outfits and hairstyles, until I found a pic of my dad. naked. with a boner.
Seriously, I would hit on barney the dinosaur right now if it meant I was going to get laid.
I only make drug deals in a British accent. It's my way of making sure it doesn't get too sketch.
i woke up with a grocery list signed by "the people who ate all your shit while you were passed out"
just upper decked a verizon store cause they don't cover against "getting phone crushed by a keg." had to pay 175 for a new one
crossed #23 off the Slucket List!
YOU JUST MADE YOUR SLUCKET LIST THIS MORNING.
I feel like, for the first time today, we had a healthy yolo.
It is very possible that having sex with you just now just got me into Yale
On the way home there was a guy passed out IN the road on Colfax with his pants around his ankles, completely bare assed. If he was dressed as a speed bump, he succeeded.
That's what I love about being a lesbian. My roommate's boyfriend watched her finger me and then he made me pancakes in the morning. AND THEN HE LEFT.
The zoom feature on snap chat videos is the worst thing to ever happen to sexting
WHO ARE THESE GUYS WHY AN ORGRY ON A MONDAY LMAO
.......he just venmo charged me for the burrito I was eating while he broke up with me
It might be the most honest thing I've ever said. ...or I've had 3 vodka tonics.
I'm eating an ice cream cone and pooping. Don't know how I'm gonna wipe.
Randomize
