they thought it would be fun to get out their yearbook and see who hooked up with the most guys..I won...I don't even go to the same school
see you put your penis in her and it's like an ignition key to start the crazy
I just woke up in my closet, wearing a pink cowboy hat and a pink thong...
I want my thong back.
I hate you tequila.
i carry sandwiches in my pockets more than any normal person should
He just kept yelling woof and then threw money all over me...
I'm in Target and the lady in front of me is buying three Summer's Eve douches, a box of fishsticks and a giant bottle of vodka. The sad thing is I get it.
do not get into a discussion with my roommate when im sitting there naked ever again.
He shoved his balls through an egg carton and showed us a picture. They were surprisingly egg-like.
So hungover. Have a black eye from where I tried to brush my teeth and stabbed myself in the eye instead. Should make the performance review I was stress drinking about go so much better.
i was asked to be gay of honor by three different girls and NONE of the groomsmen at any of the weddings is open to experimenting. i mean whats the point then.
The lady that was sitting beside me thought the best way to cheer herself up was to pet and ruffle my hair while crying and telling me her problems...
He left me alone in a hotel room my last night in town to go home to jerk off and watch TV. So yeah, I guess we're not really friends.
Lets get drunk. But not too drunk that I can't work in the morning. But maybe drunk enough so we'll make out
He sent me a website link to GIF on Snapchat. I don’t think he understands how Social Media works.
when I finally convinced you to get off the floor you looked at me wild-eyed and said "the carpet was a VAST EXPANSE OF SEA"
Randomize
