Do you think the new Crest Whitestrips Advance Seal would stay on while I give him head? It would be great to knock out 2 things at once...
I just bought a large Pizza and Xanex in the same store...my night is complete
found a ham sandwich in the elevator it tasted so hungry and it was still fresh. dont be mad at me. you know you love ham.
He just made me apologize because his morning wood is NOT a laughing matter.
Last night he asked the cab driver "if you were in the middle of getting tattooed and the tattoo artist suddenly got a boner would you leave or would you get that boner??"
We can just keep having sex until one of us finds someone we actually like
Hi future me, I saved you a big mac under the bed.
You had one beer and one beer can full of vodka and you took a huge gulp of one of them and called it Emily Roulette
I have a present for you
Like a legit gift, not just me showing up and getting naked
my throat is bruised, my back is scarred, my vagina feels like it's going to fall off.. you're like godzilla. you destroy everything.
I enjoy the level of friendship we have achieved until you ask me to determine what may or may not be gentile warts via iphone pic
reason #326 why I'm still single.... my date just told me there's a little boy ghost that lives in his closet because he likes his music.
She unfriended me on Facebook after I responded to her long love note with #demtittesdoe. Jager is the goddamned devil.
You will drink beer in a kiddie pool in your back yard but you wont bring a girl home
he's the only real guy friend I've had who I've never made out with
Randomize
