Omfg I am plowed. Had drinks with 3 milfs. Going out on their boat tomorrow. They want to show me how buoyant they are.
ok 1 i realized people actually live in central wisconsin and 2 culvers could be a good place to pick up chicks today
I just set a weed brownie on fire in the microwave.
Successful day.
Just pulled over to throw up in a day care parking lot while the kids were outside playing. The adults were mortified.
His dick was poking my bladder. That big...
literally have a bruise on my forehead from being over the toilet all night.
I say we get drunk before the exam tomorrow. At least then we have a valid excuse for failing.
It came up in court that I told the arresting officer my name was Thomas Jefferson, and I was born in 1776. I almost kept a straight face. Almost.
A 40 year old man just put his hands on my thighs and said in these exact words "you're so beautiful and gorgeous and innocent. But life sucks and you'll probably turn into a whore."
We are both federal employees and Obama gave us a four-day weekend to lie in bed. Do you know how many orgasms that will be? I knew there was a reason I voted for this guy.
Just a heads up... Don't get high and attempt to do your own taxes
Today I learned I and my bar naps were the subject of a bar meeting.
The Game of Thrones convention was just a drunk fuckfest.
Please tell me you banged Jon Snow.
from across the room i saw you look into your beer and whisper "i love you"
Pretty penis doesn't make up for awkward eye contact.
Randomize
