My boobs aren't big enough for this kind of lifestyle
So we've decided on 'hamburger' as your code for tonight. If you add ketchup or fries, we know the threat level has escalated.
I'm seriously so bored I'm seeing how many rooms I can masturbate in before I get caught.
Four. Poor grandma...
She just left after she spent the past 2.5 hours fuckin the shit out of me. I'll put that in the logbook as a cross country
He just did blow off my nipples. He's not serious about his girlfriend.
Ever since I told them the story of the sex in the canoe scandal its like I am in season
high enough to want to lick peanut butter off of Michael Buble's vocal chords as he serenades me.
You were such a shitshow...I was just standing in the kitchen eating my toaster strudel and you came in, whispered "you didn't see anything" and led him to the couch
Drunk life lesson just learned the hard way: do not try to play hump the great dane. He may take you up on it.
hurry up this bar wont let me order big pitchers of beer for just myself
I'm going to text my booty call and tell him nevermind, that I got the job finished by myself. That will teach him to text back faster.
This lesson is brought you by a psychology class.
I made out with a mom and her daughter and got a black eye, so yeah, my birthday went well
Who told you that acid and Jurassic World was a good idea?
dont remember, but I'm pretty sure I was convinced that the hybrid dinosaur was satan the whole time. It was actually very spiritual
It's a sad night when one of your friend texts you that she's going on a date with someone you know and then invites you to maybe have a drink after
Decided to stay in tonight. Completely sober. Just got two drunken booty calls within 5 minutes of each other. This is my life.
Randomize
