My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
I just got this text "hi this is Julie, I met you last night in the bathroom. You asked me to text you and remind you that you ate an entire lime, because you figured your sober self in the morning would be confused."
you woke me up at 7 am banging on my wall.. what the hell
thats the international knock for joint time
It's taken me 5 years and 2 beers to finally realize that maybe he isn't the dude for me. Also, that picking your major should be done sober, lest you find your self an art major.
Is it wrong that I want to take the baby bump in her facebook pictures as "meal-ticket"?
Change of plans. Theres a bouncy castle setup in my apartment complex.
I mean nobody wants to admit they ate 9 cans of ravioli but i did and i am not ashamed of myself
THE CONDOM ONLY COVERS HALF OF HIS DICK I AM IN THE BATHROOM PANICKING
You're getting spoiled, you better send me at least a side boob pic if you wanna see my dick dressed up as Davie Crockett.
dude she got out of bed and definitely took a shit then checked her stomach out in the mirror and whispered "well that probably took off five pounds"
Being able to fart in her presence and not be judged is why I pay half the rent.
The porch is breathing.
STAY OUT OF MY SHROOMS YOU CUNT
First things first, I always get more drunk than the birthday girl. Like, who's idea was it to sing karaoke? I killed it.
I was floored. Like way less concerned with him using drugs than I am with him not believing in evolution.
just bought safety googles to wear so he can cum on my face and not in my eye. SAFETY FIRST!
Randomize
