Do you not remember dry humping your dog for 20 minutes at oxfest dude?
For a day that started with shitting my pants, things turned out fairly well.
she was so wasted that she tried to tuck me in and read the jokes on the taco bell sauce as a bed time story
You should really come over right now. There's hot construction workers across the street. I'm gonna go pour beer on myself in a bikini on the sidewalk. See you in 5?
At least drunk me was smart enough to stash toilet paper in my bag before I started my walk home. Finally countless squat pees and wiping with grass taught me to be prepared.
I have been sober for so long that I miss hangovers... what is happening to this summer?
She wanted to roleplay. Apparently you be snow and i'll be a plow wasn't an option
You threw an open can of pop at me while I was lying on the floor babbling and drooling about how I need to be alone forever, me and my leaking face.
You know it's nice having a girlfriend who will lotion your balls for you
He sent me a recycled dick pic! He could at least use one without sunlight in it, considering it's 10pm
Hmm, peanut butter and Xanax. Next Ben and Jerry's flavor.
You should really look at your snapstory. It has us screaming " MANSION DICK! SUCK IT! FUCK IT!" By the way im currently in a mansion and need you to pick me up
I got eaten out in the igloo at snow-kings castle last night.My thighs were literally melting ruts in the ice bench.Definitely colder than the minus 40 blowjob at Desiree's wedding
My Mini-Van Handjob Milf is leaving the company. I need to find a new job. I can’t handle this place without those handjobs
I came home and drank a bottle of wine in the bathtub. I have AMAZING coping skills!!
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