I feel like death. Did you die last night?
Nope. Ready for round 2. Fiesta!
unreal. Greatest comeback since Jesus
ok think of it like jelly beans. if you can learn to like the licorice ones, youll always have lots of them because no one else wants them. its the same with fat chicks
Why are my keys in the refrigerator?
You said "This is gonna really confuse me tomorrow." Apparently drunk you plays pranks on hungover you.
This explains so much.
i just opened up my bathroom cabinet to get deodorant and found 4 bottles of natty. Its like the world wants me to miss this interview
First date: that requires underwear, huh?
there COULD be a gas leak in our house... proceeding to smoke with extreme caution...
hooked up with the gay kid & his friend's mom told me "you know he has a identical twin brother whose straight, right?"
He bought my favorite ceral.. I've guess I've earn the status as one of his regular fuck buddies. I feel honored and proud. His roommates girls don't get this treatment.
Let's get really high and wear fake mustaches and try not to laugh at each other...
I like how my motivation to lose weight is so I can wear a nude bikini and get covered in body paint for the tribal party. Priorities.
Don't laugh, but I might need some advice on how to ride a crooked dick.
I drank beer out of some sort of animal horn all night, then we fucked to a "viking metal" album. I feel like I should go pillage something to complete the Norse trifecta.
Soooo I think my neighbor just saw me masturbating on my porch
We poured all the Fireball on the Slip and Slide and long story short I have two black eyes.
The career specialist read an Onion article to us. Please send help.
Randomize
