I thnk I just saw a monkey walking a drunk guy.
I just woke up to my FedEx of contacts I've been waiting for for about a week and my hungover ass went to the bathroom and used beer instead of contact solution.
Well for one thing, she was eating rice with a shot glass.
I gave him a handjob while watching the presidential address. Needless to say, it was weird.
i slept with her, drove her to her sisters house to babysit, and then drove around the block where i met her sister and had sex with her in my van. I'm family Friendly!
i saw the poster for your lost tequila... what a shame
Woke up in my underwear and Christmas sweater. Only. Eggnog has won the battle but not the war.
THERE IS SOMEONE IN MY CAR MILKING HERSELF AND TELLING ME TO TRY IT
You're invited to our X-games themed party. We have an ice luge and every time someone eats shit we drink. It's gonna be great.
He was an asshole the entire night and then tried to touch my dick in a Michaels craft store.
Sooooo, no second date?
Driving you two to the party with a keg belted into the back seat has given me a brief glimpse of parenthood. I am now more resolved than ever to never breed, so thanks for that.
Before consuming her Waffle House she did a few deep breaths and cleared the table to "prepare herself for this"
Jamie's fucking a senior citizen and I'm eating chips and salsa in the shower at 2am, so whatever you're doing it can't be worse.
you're the only girl i know who can be too sick to walk to the kitchen and still have enough game to receive multiple orgasms
Can we throw a "death to my 20s" party when I turn 30?
Sure. Funeral attire and hard liquor
Randomize
