i'm sure her mom would have loved to find out her daughter has herpes via facebook
After last night's events, I googled "how to change your life direction." I found a really helpful ehow.com article.
I drove to my yoga class while eating a piece of bacon. Wow. I see myself in a whole new light.
I like to melt taper candles in my wine bottles the next day, it makes my drinking trophies more classy, and makes me look like less of an alcoholic.
You passed out across the stairs with your feet and arms through the railings so you "wouldn't fall down when you blacked out and no one could get the pizza past you without waking you up". \n\nYou're the smartest drunk I know.
Oh I woke up in my neighbors garage using one of their sleeping bags, as my neighbor was doing laundry in there.
Alright. I will breast feed the first person to get here.
Wow. This hand sanitizer smells awesome. It's like I just gave a handjob to a fruit basket.
The world isn't going to end because you slept with him!
... that would be easier though.
When you are old and getting humped by saggy balls every other weekend you are gonna wish you had more sex with freshly legal boys. Your vagina will thank you one day. Don't let her down.
Using all my books as packing buffer for my liquor bottles. And you said being an English major was worthless.
My old dealer would be proud of the drug cocktail I just took for my back pain.
You can't leave me alone in times of distress because I will fuck things 🙈😐
oh and i figured out why we kept smelling vomit. ive got vomit on my socks. putting the heater on my feet was not the best of ideas.
I need some buff guys to cuddle me and call me precious
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