you keep denying me to hang out, should i take a hint?
you keep asking me after midnight, should i take a hint?
There were 3 chicks in my bed I didn't know when I got home. Now I know all of them. Biblically.
This is much more drunk than i was intending for a wednesday
I lost my virginity in that bed. You just layed in history.
Getting wasted on top of a casino. My penis is so much higher than everyone else's right now.
Look you found him on craigslist. You should be happy that he at least HAS a normal looking dick.
I told him he was a man of science and that he should conduct experiments on my tits to see how they stay up. I need you to hold onto my larynx when I'm drunk.
He kept checkin to make sure you were still alive after you passed out on his bed, After like the 4th time he walked back in there you were naked on his bed eating an apple, claiming he needed to be the Adam to your Eve..That drunk..
I need to get a job that holds me accountable for something. Otherwise I wake upon Monday wondering when the booze store opens and if I still have a boyfriend.
Is it inappropriate to send a happy 3-year anniversary of having a threesome with you and your ex girlfriend on easter text?
Jesus, I think this onesie was designed to keep me from masturbating.
He let me eat chexmix while we fucked... I think I love him.
Relationship goals: we both wore red underwear tonight. Except he won’t know because my bra been off but it’s the thought that counts I guess.
Her hand jobs are magic. They smell like vanilla and awesomeness. She made me forget how to walk
Thank you for stopping me from getting a butt tattoo. That was a good call.
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