I woke up covered in blue paint and my knee bleeding, when I went to return the shopping cart the guy in the elevator laughed hysterically. I'm having a good morning.
just to let ya know we might have to take a stripper snowboardin sometime
I resisted the temptation to hold the cake in one hand to alternate bites with the ruffles I was eating. I decided that might make me look dysfunctional.
So what do normal people wear to parties? Normal meaning not you.
You wear an inflatable farm animal to TWO THEMED PARTIES and I never get to hear the end of it...
I woke him up with a blow job and he started sing "oh the USAAAA. IT'S GOING TO BE S BEAUTIFUL DAYYYYY"
oh you know, the usual stuff. getting kicked out of bars and sleeping in cars.
I feel like on the last day of finals we should run around campus dressed like Moses screaming "LET MY PEOPLE GO!!!!"
I'll start the recruiting
This summer has already been like the best summer ever. FREEDOM IS AWESOME. GOD BLESS AMERICA AND GOD BLESS THE SINGLE LIFE.
Holy shit I'm 26! That took an embarrassingly long time to figure it out, I need to keep buyin weed from this kid
I finally figured out how to tighten my bra straps and I feel like a god
Here's a concept though: eating pasta while getting laid
That's why my boobs are so big, they're full of secrets.
The walk of shame was so much longer today. i have to start fucking guys in my own postcode.
I am going to bedazzle the shit out of your Basilisk costume.
I woke up in a boat, with a life jacket on, tons of beer cans and no lake... I was inside a garage. WTF
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