The good thing about walking home in a dress on sunday morning is that people mistake my walk of shame as a walk to God.
Dude she has a bf and shes on lockdown more than Nelson Mandela in 95
they almost convinced me to put "Funbags" in the 'other names you may be known as' section of the job application
i just overheard a girl at the next table saying she gave up sex for lent
don't you ever do that...
there really is only one way to give a PowerPoint presentation in your senior capstone class: still drunk.
I just saw an old lady yelling at a dead pigeon for leaving the oven on.
but then i turned into a human whiteboard because i thought it was a good idea to bring out markers
My right boob is officially about a handful while my left is 1 and 3/4 handfuls. I'm staring at the mirror falling into a deep depression.
Unless you have figured out how to blow me through the phone don't drunk dial me.
I'm convinced my penis is the only thing holding this relationship together.
Just remember that I named his dick Robo-cock before he got into the sheriff's department.
I think I accidentally invented a religion.
He stopped mid sex to pour wine in my mouth...
Marry him.
He just got out of surgery, almost died from shooting him self with an arrow.
Someone made a Christmas song to the Flintstones theme and I'm suing for emotional distress.
Randomize
