Do you still have your period?
How was I supposed to know she would get offended when I asked her how long it took to draw on her eyebrows.
My entire life is one complicated drinking game
sticking your finger down your throat to make yourself throw up is bulimia, not morning sickness, so no, I don't think you're pregnant.
Dude, I think my check liver light just came on
How many 'remember name' entries is it inappropriate to have in one's cell phone?
There are about 5 pictures of my dog taking a dump on my camera and 20 of Brandon taking one for "comparison" reasons.
Mark is going to get hypothermia. he is shirtless eating snow bc he "doesnt want to be dehydrated" tomorrow. youre in charge.
and you wish you could be eating a cookie right now. but all you get to eat is a penis
Thanks to this cookie, I have now eaten something other than skittles today.
I want to do something romantic. Like gargle champagne before I put your dick in my mouth.
I'm at a restaurant. I am NOT about to discuss my asshole over the phone.
Literally just saw a 7 year old intently rub his penis on the metro. I'm not ready for this
Congratulations on giving me my first and second hickeys last night. I made it almost 30 years without one, but who needs class these days?
And now Google thinks I have a hard hat fetish...maybe I do...
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