guess who just spent driver's ed figuring out how to draw a guy giving head
It's like Facebook knows when I'm about to masturbate and tells me to reconnect with exes.
How far into the semester do we have to be before it's ok to get drunk in between classes again?
so you had a one ended conversation with the toilet las night in between barfs. you kept telling the toilet how strong it was because its gone through a lot of shit in its life.
drunk me is so punny.
I was walking around outside with a basket of eggs. I feel like little house on the prairie: hungover edition.
Getting arrested together sounded so much more fun in theory.
Does having a sippy cup full of wine, at an outlet mall, qualify you as 'having a problem'?
Gosh I haven't been pantsless in front of anyone for a while. It's time for me to pick up my game. We need a party. I need some rum.
All she kept whispering was put your pickle in my mouth. Then she fell out of her barstool and chipped her tooth
Dropping the entire last roll of TP into the toilet is a hurt you don't want to know.
The worst that could happen is you end up with a black eye and I get laid.. I'm okay with my end of that bargain.
I'm starting to think I didn't bring enough liquor for this family Christmas.
It's 2 pm....
So what are you going to be for halloween?
A woman sitting on her couch watching Hocus Pocus.
Don't be upset because I bitch slapped you with intelligence
we bonded over knowing every word to freaky gurl by gucci mane so it’s kinda starting to make sense why I gave him head in his cul de sac
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