my mom just informed me that i masturbate loudly
kindergarten is hard when you're hung over.
she broke up with me using backstreet boy lyrics
you deserved it if you knew it was backstreet boys.
You asked me to be the big spoon, when you passed out on the stairs
He thought the strainer was a giant bowl to puke in.
Yeah man i woke up and only had a Jimmy John's wrapper covering myself..
I was galloping around pretending to give birth to pbrs. I could have used a mask.
I spent the money she owed me on enough magnum condoms to make a blimp. Damn right I'm going to make the best of it.
I may or may not already be in your hot tub when you get home. I have a key to your house and no shame.
did i just see you in the movie theater carrying a margarita into Frozen?
All the 6 year olds are jealous of my alcohol
He is currently passed out on his toilet. Point day drinking.
His Instagram is like a gay porn blog all of the sudden got conquered by the Mormon missionary that he is
Why is it I can't go buy redbull and tylenol pm from a store without getting questions about my health choices?
So glad I can hide money in my wallet and drunk me is too stupid to find it. Hangover sushi ftw.
Legit just heard the bartender tell some Dude "Penis is not an accepted currency in this establishment" and Dude responded "You take Vagina then?"
Randomize
