the best things in life are free. have that freshly fucked look and doing the walk of shame by HIS girlfriend.....priceless
is it true you fucked a yoga instructor last night??! ..and let me know if you want me to post that question on your facebook so kelly can see how happy you are without her
My dinner last night was 3000 calories of beer. Slept kneeling on the floor w/ my head on a couch
He painted his chest for the game... I just fucked an exclamation point.
Put cigar in mouth backwards. Plz remind to check for scar in morning, can't feel it now. Screwdrivers are like morphine.
Sorry about the voicemail last night, people in hostel thought getting the clap from cheating on me wasn't enough and you hearing a 6 foot 5 Swedish dude bang the shit out of me was needed.
So I think I might just embrace the awkwardness and say he fingerblasted her cause thats the greatest word in existence
Me and the cabbie are stopping on the way at a sit down restaurant to eat. My life is so sad.
Could have had sex with an ex NFL kicker last night.
That would've been embarrassing.
Oh, and one of the worst parts... his name was Mario. I fucked a Nintendo character.
So is it weird that I am super excited for my new captain america clit ring... Or is my crotch getting too patriotic
When you trip so hard that you can see your friends thoughts through their pupils.
90% sure I just opened a snapchat of you in a fuzzy bathrobe next to your ceiling collapsing
It's alright. I'm just trying to make her realize you're not good enough for her.
This may be the most redneck thing I've ever said, but I know all there is to know about farting dogs
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