sometimes i think i'm bisexual but then i realize the only girl i'm attracted to is myself.
How much explanation does bbqsexapalooza need?
the only good thing about these hospital visits are the free pregnancy tests
I've been drunk so often this summer being sober is exciting
I can't believe I had to convince you to not drink butter.
you force-fed me gummy vitamins while screaming "I JUST WANT YOU TO BE HEALTHY" i have never been so terrified in my life.
his version of basketball was throwing hot sauce packets down my cleavage at taco bell at 2 am with his buddy.the cashier kept score
You are a special snowflake. A special snowflake I wouldn't mind rough sex with
I just had to pick up my "let's drink and make bad choices" hat, my banana suit and beer pong table from work. Until just then I couldn't figure out why I got fired.
The Vicodin is in the strawberries.
Goddamn right, I may not survive the apocalypse, but my eyebrows fucking will.
If dispatch calls for us tell them I'm having a significant emotional event in the restroom
Sometimes i wish my vagina automatically turned itself off when i'm legally drunk.
You better have a raging boner when I get to your house and it better be worth missing work in the morning.
He woke me with blue berry pancakes and a blow job. He's a keeper.
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