textsfromlastnight.com keeps rejecting me
that alone proves you never get laid, nor have a life.. or have anything funny to contribute to the world.
I've been reduced to Capt. Morgan and Golden Girls reruns. Ugh.
i was concerned by what you said you would do for a snickers. It wasn't even a Klondike bar.
we tried have sex after i gave him a handjob. he wouldnt get hard and kept saying his little boy is broken.. please come get me
So I purposely left a bunch of metal in my pockets so that the smokin hot TSA officer would give me a pat down. Airport security just got fun
I don't even know why im sitting in this office eating a poptart.
Im in your car brotha dog. Its was unlocked, so im gonna sleep in it. well i mean i think its your car be your car.
Random memory from the wedding, the bartender showed us how to open the windows and piss out of them.
Why am I always the sober one?
Cause you're the only one with any sort of self control. It's kinda your super power...
i meant to type that i went to that party for shits and giggles, but my phone corrected me and said for shots and goggles...either one works
The night went downhill when he took his pants off at our table and walked up to women saying "Special delivery"
I have a corndog on my dresser and a trashcan of puke. Thanks for a great night!
You gave me a bottle of tequila and introduced me to a ginger named cowboy. I actually love you.
so hungover i had to get off the train to puke, rallied and went to work. not sure if that's an adulting win or fail
I'm excited for him and his new girlfriend. I'm just going to miss his penis is what I'm saying.
Randomize
