I felt like Norm from Cheers walking into the free clinic.
his balls ACTUALLY tasted like nuts
how to cook rice: 1. put random amount of rice and water in a pot 2. have sex on the kitchen floor. when you are done having sex the rice is ready
we have a love-hate relationship...we love having sex but hate waking up next to eachother
Only if you bring Listerine. I can't come home to my husband from a bachelorette party with spermbreath again.
Who's got a bloodstream full of margaritas by 2pm? Not you, that's for sure, because you've got one of those "real" jobs.
I gotta bail on the cookout tonight. Im at the er getting stitches. Re-enacting porno went horribly wrong.
I cant be sure, but i think ive been drunk in this church before.
There's holes in the drywall and the beer pong table is a broken door on two barstools. You know they like to party.
Youre not supposed to get arrested if your parents fly you home for christmas!
True but this has the bonus of them maybe not wanting to fly me home next year, im good with that didnt wanna go in the first place.
After last night, I think I need a service animal to monitor the life choices I make when I'm inebriated. A monkey, or a clever dog. Or a really assertive parrot.
I don't remember much, but I remember he called me the dick whisperer, so it must not have been all bad.
He has great stamina, he knows how to use his tongue, and he's hung like a goddamn Pegasus. I can overlook the man bun.
I need to stop acting like a porn star that isn't getting paid
Beer and Reeses. dinner of champions
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