i seriously hope you fucking die....you are the worst.
SHit! Sorry, sent to wrong person
u cheatin on me?
if i did i would try to upgrade babe.
you dont remember trying to break dance in the middle of the casino floor on ur own throw up?
oh that explains alot.
Just scheduled a cocaine deal around my drug counsler appointment. Why yes, thank you, I do enjoy the irony that is my life.
It was a sobriety test blowjob. If he could get it up, he could get me home.
3 guesses about who had to still-drunkenly facilitate a fire drill at 2:40am because freshmen can't handle microwave popcorn.
He was puking up tons. He aimed his face inside his coat. Not a drop in my car. Then he thanked me for the ride.
Phone sex soon? I mean date. Sex date. Date phone.
all 3? possibly?
I think I'm up to the challenge.
He's basically me if I was an 8-yr-old boy. It's like looking into a pudgy terrifying mirror
If I don't go to Australia I'm using that towards a new car. If I do I'll use it to buy a koala.
My friends son got stung by a jellyfish over the weekend and we seriously stood there debating on whether or not we should pee on this toddler.
The Royals are in the World Series. I've never drank so much in one week in my life.
Do you ever get high and look at your cat and feel like you know them on an intellectual level?
I have a txt file I don't remember making open on my desktop. All it says is "what it's like to be a bat"
I feel like I should have held a press conference. The state of my vagina
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