I wish there was an iPhone app to help you with your shitty personality.
I just woke up in the 4th floor lounge at 5:30AM with my ipod on to springsteen and a condom on
She had a muffin-top while wearing a one piece bathing suit. Thats gotta break one of newton's laws or something
this morning your mother said to me "sorry to have to meet you like this, in my sons bed" later she said "you never know whos gonna be in there. its scary sometimes"
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She just told me she blew the waiter in the bathroom. Should I still leave a tip?
Oh and probably wearing a life jacket instead of clothes didn't help things either
They want me to get them some X for there wedding present. I'm on the way to get it now
raced the clock twice to day to see if i could get off before my computer died and before i left for my noon bar crawl... win, win
lets go back to having secrets in our friendship
I should also mention that having been a sheltered child, I am conditioned to have serious kinks and find upper bodies of either sex attractive. And legs.
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When I tell my children how I survived hurricane Sandy I'll probably leave out the threesome
I'm already too high to be publicly presentable. I just looked at myself in the mirror without my sunglasses. Debated contacts. Said aloud "But I'm nothing without my sunglasses."
It would seem she's painting a bullseye right in between her legs
Every guy I've ever fucked is single right now
Pray for me
Why did u text me "I want to get drunk and go to pizza hut tomorrow. don't let me forget." at 3am??
That text was pretty fucking self-explanatory, man.
I think someone shaved off all their pubes in the handicap stall or a werewolf stopped by the office to take a crAzy dump!
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