I'm pants shitting drunk right now
Last night I ate the rest of the salsa with my hands. And i DONT have a hangover? Glorious.
My dad just came home, said hi to mom and me in the kitchen, and then said "I'm gonna go inject my blood with iguana saliva".
She just took the bottle of jager to the bathroom and locked the door. Now I hear the water running..if the house floods she's paying for it
Confidence margaritas not a good idea. Just said foreskin in my presentation instead of foresight.
Cancel that soberness update. I just almost fell down in the security line
if i got ashes i think they'd burn a hole into my head with the amount of sins i've committed this year alone and it's only february
I just brushed my teeth. In the car. With watered down Sprite. From Saturday. Multi-tasking at its finest.
Marking my student's "don't do drugs" posters while simultaneously texting my dealer, is this what being a grown up is like?
margarita monday on the first day back? my gpa is telling me noo! but my heart is telling me goo! I am conflicted..
hes like bread. how could bread be dangeous
I wanna send them a card but I don't think hallmark makes a "sorry your fiance and another girl blew me at the same time in a frat house but congrats!" card
Yes. I will keep putting the beer into my stomach and eventually the bartender will make a mistake
I mean it's up to you where you want to sleep but I'm telling you you're going to hear us have sex no matter what room you're in.
Fair enough
I wanted to waterboard myself with beer, but no one would give me their shirt to do it.
Randomize
