I'm like a rollypolly, I only open my legs up when I feel safe.
you need to not memorize your credit card number for drunk pizza
I am the drunkest girl in the tree.
you woke up and yelled "the tv is moving" and fell on the floor and passed back out
because you can't take the autistic girl you're babysitting on a blunt ride.
I'm treating myself to a " uve slept with yet another mr. Wrong" breakfast
I just finished packing for spring break, took me 4 minutes. To be fair though I only put my trunks, a pair of underwear, and 50 condoms in my bag.
I met my future husband in an elevator. Think Hispanic version of Dr. Bunsen Honeydew from the Muppets, but with eyes like Michael Fassbender.
I just watched a stripper purchase $43 of Rockstar and corn nuts. Godamnit! We need helmet cams.
WHAT IF I SAT OUTSIDE AND STARTED SCREAMING THE LYRICS TO O CANADA WOULD THAT FIX IT
PLEASE DON'T
My ex's new girlfriends ex boyfriend is getting me my nipples pierced for Valentine's Day so who's the real winner here
But at least i made friends with the nice lesbian cop. She knew i was her kind when she had to confiscate my rainbow/pride rolling papers.
He was referring to me as "Teenage Dream" the whole night
It's not a hangover, it's "slept on a couch with another person and said person moves a lot and is loud"
Dude, what the hell where you thinking last night
Welllllll basically they were like "challenge" and I was like "accepted"
Randomize
