First rule of pills: If you can't remember what it is, take half.
Why is there a living, breathing cow on your front porch?
The only ground rules are no one is allowed to come who will say "no, that's a bad idea" or "what if we get arrested?"
Like if god were to send me a cock shot, that's what it would look like.
Why does it always end up with me crying in my car.
I had to explain the gravity bong to my mom. Right after she pointed out I have a lot of dicks on my floor at any given moment.
Weirdly I'm doing ok, but I've tested positive for chlamydia, I wanted to let you know
Totally. Bang on. He'll be fine. He might cry into your perfect tits once in a while, but that's the price ya pay.
I don't know how or when he is sober long enough to donate plasma
I need you to go into my room and get some pants then bring them and four band aids to Sam's apartment no questions
Youre having a picnic
Yeah but all we have is vodka, so it's getting a bit out of hand.
It feels like the devil is humping my brain with his razor sharp erection.
Just remember: We don't tell our English professor about our fetishes unless she specifically asks about them.
Why didn't we pregame for this?
Because it's breakfast!?!
What’s the level of adulting when you reschedule a dentist appointment to have a threesome?
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