the pool opens at 11. by 1115 the ambulance had been called.
So the coke mirror was perfectly angeled at my face right when i woke up this morning. I now know how I'd look on intervention.
Well he's not a stripper, so we're already doing better than my last date.
we went to the bar with our boss and you tried to play a song from the atm machine
He's talking about how great of a find these dollar store condoms were. Help.
You just can't come from being "the girl who shit her pants."
You've gotta make sure the carpets match the drapes, though.
I am not dying my bush blue.
Sorry about flashing you in front of your mom.
It's been two dates and she just invited me to her aunts funeral. I can't even. Who the fuck does that? I need to drink I'm coming to get you in 5
I'm drunk enough to know I'm texting you and sober enough to know what I'm saying to you
The date went significantly better after the fifth shot of fireball.
IDK MAYBE BC I WOKE UP IN AN AIRPORT WITH A ONE WAY TICKET TO LONDON
That awkward moment when the guy you were hitting on at the bar last night is a possible suspect in a murder case.
i wish i could say that was the first 40 year old woman from the circus I nailed
i am not an asshole. i paid for her to take a cab home.
dude, we were in ann arbor. she's from cincinnati. ten bucks didn't even get her back on I-94. i maintain my position. you are indeed an asshole.
Randomize
