Just had to explain my "wine me. Dine me. Sixty-nine me" key chain to my grandma...she took it surprisingly well.
he even offered to make my bed in the morning.
If her picture on my phone wasn't mostly of her breasts, I'd never pick up the phone when she calls.
260 beers this month. I need a new hobby.
JOY: That feeling when you crack open a handle for the first time, and the flow limiter comes off with the cap.
He screamed AMERICA, took a shot of vodka out of a Tupperware container, and then asked if he could see my tits
You'd be surprised how many calories hedonism burns.
i only avoided him because he looked like he was about to have a heart attack and i didnt feel like doing cpr on my day off.
what type of emt are you
There are people taking shots out of a turtle shell.
Neither a grow-er nor a show-er. More like a no-er. If he didn't have testicles, I'm not sure you could tell he was a male, even standing there naked. There will be no second date.
It was like, once I started flashing you, I couldn't stop.
Sorry for all the snapchats, I wanted you to feel like u were in America getting plastered with me
We'll get you some ice cream, but no sprinkles. Sprinkles are for winners.
I like to be the stable force in your otherwise chaotic existence.
I'm so high that a guy on TV just sneezed and I said "bless you."
Randomize
