Even though he is humpbacked he is really good in bed.
Dude, she literally just asked me if her mac'n'cheese makes me horny. I think I found the one.
there are ass prints on the hood of my car.
the japanese bartender dressed as a cowboy in assless chaps just told me i was too drunk for another shot
yolo... Doesn't that stand for 'shut the fuck up'?
Why is it so hot and why are these the only pants in my life.
I feel like we need a drunken piñata bash with your face being the piñata and my hopes and dreams being the stick
I feel like we have both made good decisions regarding our vaginas lately
Dude so last night I was eating out my gf and her kitten climbed onto my back and fell asleep. AND SHE DIDN'T NOTICE FOR LIKE 10 MINUTES
Quote from doctor, "that is a VERY angry vagina".
I'm fucked.
Did I send you a drunk selfie with a pine tree last night?
One day soon I'll learn the difference between a good high and way too high. Today is not the day.
this is a save-me-from-tijuana-tequila-and-hoookers booty call. if i don't hear from you by 8pm i'm grabbing my passport
if i'm not back tomorrow call the embassy
Your boyfriend being in jail is really helping my social life! #GotASingleDrinkingBuddyAgain
I'm not just straddling the line between love and hate, I'm dry humping the shit out of it
Randomize
