I'm convinced her vagina is similar to chernobyl, but I want to visit it for the novelty value anyway.
Dude, he sent me a pic of his dick. I thought dating a married man wouldn't remind me so much of high school. Seriously.
Preparing for thanksgiving at home now by chugging bourbon. Less than a month to train!
all 3 of us brought blondes home last night. all 3 are passed out. we're gonna switch rooms and see how long until one of them notices.
He made me leave when I challenged "all you bitches" to a game of strip taboo.
Public service announcement: if you would like to continue receiving blow jobs, a 25% increase in fuck-giving will be expected immediately, and you're expected to give an actual flying fuck at least once a week. Brought to you by the ad council.
I took 20 bucks from you because when I woke up I saw more of you than I ever wanted to see bro.
Totally acceptable.
Dave used his AAA card to get my car towed to my house so I could get drunk. Evil genius.
That idiot. I'll see him on campus and he'll try and touch me like we're friends or some shit. 1.you're ugly 2. You dropped the blunt in the pool
So far in the last ten minutes I have tried to pour cereal into a plate. Today's gonna be a great day.
Lets just say...I plan on being a bigger shitshow than Miley Cyrus at the VMA'S
Well, I'm hung over and my penis hurts - two signs of success
can we take a moment to remember my theory on 'your tongue is a snake that lives in your mouth' because we reached a whole new level of high
Why can't they just let me be the gorgeous cum dumpster that I know I'm meant to be?
Don't forget to grab a pregnancy test and sloppy joe mix for tonight
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