My Nuvaring birth control makes me queef.
can we please take bets on how much therapy you'll need in the future?
If I was there, I'd make you a vicodin spiked sandwich.
Good thing it was his birthday because I accidentally grabbed his dick at the bar. A lot.
I'll just put on a bunch of mascara and cry right before I get there. Then everyone will recognize me.
As if finding out the man you just had sex with is married isn't bad enough, it gets so much more awkward when his wife comes in to comfort you...
Dude walks in wearing jean shorts and a graphic tshirt and goes home with an attractive female. EXPLAIN YOURSELF UNIVERSE.
No like you've drunkenly persistently tried to take your shirt off in the middle of a park filled with children. You had already thrown your bra at my crotch.
omg sorry but i tried to stop you when you were at your drunk limit but i took my eyes off you for like 2 seconds and you suddenly appeared with hard liquor in both hands for yourself and downed them and it was downhill from there
Thanks for that golden cinnamony goodness that flowed from your fake tits last night haha
He was asleep with his head on a windowsill and you were petting his head, then you almost left the kitchen and then went back to pet him some more.
He follows more cats on Instagram then he does girls.. That's how you know your boyfriend is whipped.
I'm on the porch day drinking and the neighbor is in his yard screaming about his amazing sandwiches, maybe we should move.
You dove at him but passed out mid dive. Shame it wasnt a costume party your superman suit wouldve been clutch in the situation
I need to sleep so I can die properly tomorrow.
Randomize
