I accidentally broke up with him while I was drunk which is really too bad since I'd just gotten a birth control perscription so we could start having sex.
Do you think he'd take me back if I said "dude, we need to get back together or this IUD is going to have an existential crisis for not realizing its full potential"?
I just pulled the condom that i lost on tues out of me at work ewwww!
how the FUCK am I supposed to macarena while doubble fisting?
Don't put random dicks in your mouth or any other crevice for that matter... and i'm home in 30 seconds
Wish I got that text last night instead of this morning.
Underwear, t-shirt, bottle of Pinot Grigio and Golden Girls. I've hit a new level of homosexual.
At least he's enough of a gentleman to not make me do the walk of shame dressed as Santa.
cocks speak louder than words, as they say
Nobody says that.
I'd google it, but I don't really want my search history to say, "Name for masturbating on a flight."
Well you were hungry, by then you cried and called yourself a basic bitch for eating crackers
future reference: when you get a text that says "WARNING: EXPLICIT PHOTOS BEING DELIVERED. VIEWERS DISCRETION IS ADVISED." you always open the attached picture.
I just thought about how many drinks I had last night and threw up.
Wtf is this place? I don't see any alcohol and I feel like we were supposed to bring our own strippers.
It's a herpes check up not a beauty pageant
It's days like today that make me happy I'm not a porn star.
It's a combination of amazing uncoordination, bad luck, and sheer determination to cause destruction wherever I go.
Randomize
