True or false: I did not bring home a 28 year old last night.
True? Did she teach you things?
She taught me the meaning of awkward goodbyes at 530 am.
There's a walmart bag of my vomit outside my front door. I just really need someone to appreciate that with me.
I'm trying to make a sex playlist
record yourself crying and put it on a loop.
I was about to send you a concerned-for-your-safety text b/c it took you more than ten seconds to respond to a text that mentioned both the bar and lesbians
I'm going to make a mold of my tits to bake a cake for him for our anniversary.. I can see the pride in his eyes now.
We could be hammered at a childrens film. You failed me
It's not that he's ugly its just that being blind folded makes everything less awkward
So I saw her today...and it was weird...she is just like not pregnant anymore.
Dude...how high are you? of course she isnt pregnant anymore...thats what happens when you give birth
If I end up in a healthy relationship because of this, I will NEVER forgive you!!!
Your dog took my vibrator out to the yard
I could drive to your house and kick you in the nuts right now....and not even stop for a burrito
I got my period during my acid trip. It was weird.
Look, all I'm saying is that you're going to be a great Vodka Mom.
Road head absolutely translates. That's the beauty of road head... It's so portable!
She keeps comparing me to her favorite dildo and I don’t know if I’m flattered or creeped out
Randomize
