it sucked. he totally couldn't get it up. blamed it on never having cheated b4. Couldn't stop laughing. fuck.
I'm just that much of a man that I can watch Ellen and Oprah back to back and still like girls.
If my vagina had boots, it would be shaking in them.
My favorite part about you getting arrested is having to explain the prosthetic leg in the front seat.
Satisfying Perfect Camera Moments
She was crying, alone at a college bar. It would have been rude NOT to try and show my penis to her.
So I drew a giant robot attacking a city on the chem test. My TA colored in the fire on the burning building
So how does it feel getting boo'd by the entire 5 guys restaurant
Actually, considering the facts that I am wearing a duct tape dress and eating a gas station quesadilla, I am pretty good.
I just saw the Mona Lisa in the background of a porno. Whole new appreciation for art. fuck you I'm cultured.
This Dog Travel Carrier is a Must
You want to complain about your sex life to me? Right now mine consists of trying to masturbate lightly enough not to wake her up with bed shakes. Go. Fuck. Yourself.
My mother is a bitch. She just outed me to my dad. He wants to meet you by the way...
Apparently I blamed my BAC on the Saint Louis Cardinals...how is that not a valid excuse?!
I just tried to pass the bowl to my dog for 2 minutes before I remembered she isn't human. It is 7:27 am.
Remember last NYE when after the 9th shot of tequila you went on full crazy mode and made out with the 50 y/o doorkeeper? and he called you the next day?
My professor just asked for my number. Not fucking her till after finals though I learned my lesson last time.