Boner jamz table deep. plus bar deep. wiing waing.
"Is there dairy in semen?" was in her recent google searches...so she's lactose intolerant AND a slut.
A good ear swabbing is more orgasmic than sex with him
You were mounting an escalator last night, shouting "I have no health insurance" at people
I got a Luke Skywalker costume so I can go do battle with the homeless guy who plays the fiddle dressed as Darth Vader downtown.
At one point you starting double fisting oreos in your mouth confused about how you got out of the car
its coolsest when we hear the beat in our water bottles. and the likghts are in his eyes now. oh holland
I just shotgunned a beer alone in the bathroom...what do you expect from me
First day of class and I'm in a bar drinking pitcher #3. Foreshadowing?
We are not on the "bring me breakfast" level. He's bringing me penis if I ask for breakfast too I'll just sound greedy
Okay: Whipped cream, vodka, and a trampoline. This will either be really great, or really tragic.
Yeah... I still gave her a hug because I felt really bad though. I mentioned that my boyfriends grandma just died too, just to reinforce that I'm straight afterwards.
Nothing bonds a father and daughter like washing her puke off the front steps
Why did I wake up with condoms on all my fingers?
Considering the girl you hooked up with, I'd be concerned about not having one on your penis.
It's like "hey I give your roommate blowjobs twice a week, want to connect on LinkedIn?"