You made me cry and you don't even care
There was a ginger baby in the car next to me. I almost totaled my car into the center divide.
I tried to assassinate the ginger baby
I know man...but i cant pass up a catholic school girl fantasy
I think I'm dead. Why did I think it was a good idea to hang from the banister while someone poured liquor into my mouth?
We make out exclusively when we're drunk. That's like a relationship for me, right?
How would I get in touch with Carly Rae Jepsen if I wanted to thank her for the loss of my virginity?
Idk I somehow continue to get laid by pulling my dick out and reciting the 3 world country orphan kid commercials
For the record, just because I'm a mess doesn't mean I don't know what I'm talking about when I give you advice. I'm way better at other people's lives.
Colombian exchange intern from my Mom's friend's ranch loves me, and is staying the night because we got each other drunk. Successful Christmas? I think yes.
Sorry for all the snapchats, I wanted you to feel like u were in America getting plastered with me
You bring me burritos. Of course I text you during sex
He told me if he passed out to wake him by sitting on his face, and if he suffocated at least he would die happy. Found the one.
Because bro, I don't want your dick being touched mid conversation.
He turned on read receipts specifically so i'd know he was ignoring me.
I didn’t not spend thanksgiving morning making out with him in a diner parking lot
Randomize
