I'm drinking bacardi out of her mom's eco-green starbucks mug and chasing it with her sister's "for track only" vitamin water. Hello suburbia
Is there any chance I can see you without pouring vodka on your head?
Went to the doctor's today. The lady took one look at my throat and said "oh god"
Too much penis in there.
There is a drunk marine passed out on my porch. Mandy wouldn't sleep with him, Can you please come remove him?
Im gonna wear a random assortment of things for Halloween, guy with the most creative answer gets laid
The cleaning lady has a form she makes me sign every time she finds me passed out in my office so she can keep track of how much to charge me each month for keeping quiet about it.
Showering in not my own throw up is really hittin the spot right now.
Just got smoked out by my boss. Working in politics is great.
You were cuddling with an eight iron and I was eating a fajita completely ignoring your presence.
I'm currently giving my drug dealer relationship advice. He's a nice guy and all but I'm really just hoping I get some free weed
I know I come to this conclusion on a fairly regular basis but I really do need a babysitter
Next guy I fuck must be a cowboy
Honestly I am too high to watch videos of you jerking off right now
Do u have any idea how hard it is to masturbate in a CVS bathroom when your name is being called over the speakers to pick up a prescription for painkillers?
Okay, so is being determined to have my vagina licked by a woman on Valentine's day an acceptable goal?
Randomize