Is it weird I updated my facebook status from my phone while I had explosive diarrhea in my boss's private bathroom?
That would be awkward if he commented on your status
Lady with a stroller in a bar. Think she's out of my league?
you wouldnt answer to anything but devil's advocate all night.
People were autographing me. I'm like the spring break yearbook
I just witnessed Grandma making her infamous daiquiris. Extraordinary.
i'm satisfied with the level of pretty that his new girlfriend isn't.
I'm having a flashback of telling a guy that he was beautiful and graceful like a unicorn while playing shuffleboard.
If I'm not up by 8, will you please knock on my door?
That depends, can you stop texting me while you're masturbating?
Touche.
I CAN STILL HEAR YOUR VIBRATOR.
At front desk. Got a beer drinking pigeon.
crossing my fingers that hitting golf balls off my pourch was a dream and not something that actaculy happened
At least you get to smell pizza at your job. I just smell despair all day long.
My roommates don't agree with the whole tv in the bathroom idea. Fucking barbarians.
Please don't throw the wedding bouquet at me
I'm a teacher who's always telling kids about the importance of due diligence, yet I'm eating an avocado out of a coffee filter because I'm too lazy to wash dishes
Drunk man just fell out of said wheelchair
Randomize
