I'm cheating on the girl I'm cheating on my girlfriend with
My drunk dialing habit needs to go. My drunk habit can stay though.
please come get me his dick is out. i'm sitting on his couch and his dick is out. come now
Last night I walked out of the bar got in a cab asked the cabi to circle the block. he did and brought me right back to the bar. I paid him $7 thanked him and walked back into the bar.
this morning your mother said to me "sorry to have to meet you like this, in my sons bed" later she said "you never know whos gonna be in there. its scary sometimes"
This girl has a mullet weave. I missed oakland.
I'm sitting at home, day drinking, while watching crossroads with brittany spears. I'm not the person you should be asking for advice right now.
You then proceeded to tell me how good of a cook you were and put raw cookie dough in the champagne.
You ran down the alley towards a stranger screaming "you took my beer".... Then proceeded to run into a garage, fall down, and scream about how your shirt makes you look fat.
I didn't pop out of a cake in a speedo with diagrams
In case that's what u were picturing
I didn't want sex last night, but she charmed my dick out of my pants like a snake charmer.
New rule: if you don't think racism exists, you don't get to put your penis inside me.
Who loses their virginity to fucking Flo Rida
Dude it's 6 am and you just invited me to a hotel with a shit ton of coke. Best morning ever
Remember when I was real fucked up and said I would give up utensils and only use chopsticks for lent?...just got the reminder on my phone.
Randomize
