I just had to pull over at a starbucks to throw up in the bathroom. They really should not have let me be a lawyer.
i'm eating jello out of a teacup with a fork. awesome?
Sometimes, when I'm driving alone I talk to myself in a Russian accent so I think it's my mommy and it calms me down.
I just followed up on a noise complaint...only to find 2 girls in bikinis covered in jello with beer cans everywhere. I couldn't bring myself to bust that party.
I want to be a cop.
just rolled a joint with wrapping paper.. and you say i have no christmas spirit
Please call me back as soon as your phone is charged, if you die tonight I don't want the last thing I said to you to be "I just farted a little"
I keep hearing lesbian porn and I'm the only one home. I don't think this is healthy
Probably shouldn't have worn my jeans covered in blood from last night to class.
I just had a dream that I was pulling you around downtown on a sled, from bar to bar. Dear lord if we start that there's no hope for us
Just because im a good person doesn't mean that I don't reserve the right to be a complete dick about it.
Is this a drinking picnic?
Is there another kind?
I have never lost more friends than while playing Uno drunk.
Feel weird saying this on Facebook, but a dildo collecting demigod sounds like somebody I'd at least hang with for a minute.
So I just got motorboated by my grandma…
I just saw a guy walking up the stairs with his dick out his pants. I let him know, and he just looked down in shock, laughed, and continued walking up the stairs.
Randomize
