I'm gonna die fat and alone and all they will find is pizza crusts
i find it simply astounding you spelled drunken wrong but pterodactyl right
I didn't mind getting the stomach flu from him. we had great sex AND I'm seven pounds lighter
Checked out the free sonogram van on campus and got a free DVD of my sweet food baby.
so the girl i've been sleeping with for 3 weeks now just figured out that i don't know her name
My patience ran out after you started clapping at the strippers everytime they took off a piece of clothing.
it was pretty much a given that i would lose my thong on dollar tequilla shot night
Breakfast-of-shame with my mother. I was in half of a sexy Mad Hatter costume. We had artisan bagels and judgement.
The bar has bullet holes in the ceiling, and the country singer had been playing drunken weezer covers. A man just bought me a beer on the grounds that I 'have his back' in a fist fight with a stranger texan. And, yes, the bartender is wearing a sherif's badge
the bar didnt serve shots so jim ordered us jaeger neat. it worked.
How do you clean human pee out of a carpet
Inconspicuously
I gave his daughter swim lessons and in exchange he sold me an ounce. I feel so accomplished.
don't take offense to this but at the strip club tonight I legit believed one girl was you. almost hopped on stage and freaked out at you. you're a beauty.
Step one: We finally agreed on an au pair that we both wanna fuck.
Sent. All. My. Texts. Like. This. Last. Night. Thank. You. Weed. Also. Had. A. Dream. About. A. Serial. Killer. That. Killed. Everyone. Except. Me. And.
Randomize
