This girls' body was nothing short of spectacular...her face, was like the '09 Detroit Lions
Apparently 151 is to me what spinach is to popeye.
Went to the doctors. She saw my " I love beer" tattoo. All she said was " My drunken tat is of just one word. "Cornnuts.". Then said Mexico was "awesome." And sent me on my way. Yeah. She's my favorite doctor.
Rooting for you and your team in the Beer Olympics this afternoon...! Love you, Mom
we just finished making mockaritas... then we prayed
god you guys know how to party
worst. bachelorette party. ever.
I hope he doesn't find the chex mix when he takes my shirt off.
I told him I'd put in a good word. And the word of the day is: NEGATIVE
He gave up on mugging us when Dave wouldn't stop laughing. He was wiggling his finger at the knife and making baby noises and giggling. The guy just walked away.
Remember when we saw my neighbor taking dick pics of himself? He's back at it!
I'm a terrible person when I drink. I went from fine to not making any sense and yelling about cheese in like 30 seconds.
Listen, some people have dreams, some people just want to cock slap a kangaroo
I woke up this morning to find my closet lacking 98% of my clothes and a text from my male roommate saying your dresses squeeze my genitals
I just bought spray paint, a T-shirt, and a box of magnum condoms. The cashier refused to make eye contact! Haha
My ultimate hope is that people will hug me, smell me, and therefore think I'm classy.
she told me id be a great addition to their lesbian community and shes giving me sex eyes from across the room. come get me NOW
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