When i woke up this morning she asked me 'when did you first find out that you could see the future.' I gotta stop drinking.
how are pickles made is in the google history again... why do you always wonder that, and forget the answer?
There is a clear recurring theme of me having sex in restrooms that really needs to stops
My roommate threw his shoe through our window and I came out of my blackout kicking holes in my wall. Pretty sure Edward 80 Hands won't be happening anymore.
what are we doing this weekend?
I have enough booze to get us through Armageddon...which basically means that on Sunday we will have to make a trip to the liquor store.
We stopped midfuck cuz a guy was walking his dog. Who the fuck walks their dog in the dorm parking structure at 3am!?
Next sat night Titanic party. Bring your floaties, trashy necklaces, and a large lung capacity. This ship is going downnnnnnn.
Go forth my friend, but don't do any of that fruitful and multiplying shit.
Being sober is no fun. Karaoke and not wearing pants are not socially acceptable things to do anymore and this depresses me.
He's so in love with you that you could fuck a blood relative and he'd be like "I just want you to be happy"
I wish I had a Tina from Bob's Burgers in real life. She would be the best wingman.
He called my vagina his wife... how is that NOT creepy?!
I feel like my entire body is ashamed of me today
You're a god amongst men today
It was platonic naked porno viewing, I swear.
She's better-looking with the mask on.
Randomize
