Everytime she would start slurring, she'd stop, hold up a finger, wait like 30 seconds, then try again. I love drunk people
the only reason he called me tonight was because I fertilized his crops on farmville.
how many times in life can you be kicked out of a pizza buffet for vomiting on the food and insulting small children
it's kind of nice to have a picture of me making out with someone and actually know who it is for once
Its the little things i like about bein home like having actual toilet paper instead of subway napkins
when "blow-job jen" drunk dials you at 3 in the morning, you answer
Ever find yourself wondering if your life is God's way of telling a joke?
Oh my god. My pre-date bowl for nerves tuned into "I'm too high for this date" he kept talking about trucks and I couldn't stop making racial slurs.
My date just wheeled me home in a shopping cart but it was normal
Bad news? she threw her drink in his face, left her phone at the club, and disappeared. I found her laying in bed with the bottle she stole from our VIP service. Good news is she's asleep and I have the bottle, come home
Easy Mac and you are the sexiest things in my life
Rather than admit to myself I've spent $756 at the bar this month, I'm just going to pretend I gave it to a homeless person...kind of makes me feel better.
he just sent me a dick pic, it highly resembled a cheese stick
i just drunk stumbled into my home... to figure out that we moved 2 weeks ago..
Turns out dignity is priceless and Plan B costs $41.09
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