All I have in my fridge is chocolate cake, pizza, spicy mayo sauce, beer, and weed. I love college
I feel like i'm in the derek zoolander school for kids who can't read good.
I think my penis and your vagina just became best friends last night.
How many times can I tell him I wasnt expecting sex before he realizes I'm just too lazy to shave all the time?
its not a holiday until ive ruined the family picture because im drunk
Had a student tell me he misses the old Four Loko. He's in 7th grade. No one is allowed to claim I started drinking too young ever again.
Is it sad that i just saw my moms thumb on the table & i instinctively put mine down cuz i thought she was thumbmaster?
kool aid jammers and 151...our childhood has officially been corrupted.
My boss just sent an employee on an hour long paid break to pick up weed for our 'staff meeting' tomorrow morning.
Pretending to leave a voicemail when the person answers the phone....that's gotta be drunk dial level 99
You know how the doctor said I need to stop being vegan unless I find a way to get more protein? There's protein in beer. The doctor wants me to drink more beer.
Dear awkwardly drunk roommate, thanks for stuffing enough change in my clevage that I could afford a pepsi at work today. Sincerely awesome roommate that put up with your drunk ass
I've started brushing my teeth at 6pm, because honestly alcohol is the only thing I consume after that
I was so drunk at your wedding that Uber is now showing up in my Spotify recent searches.
Homeboy just asked me to strip for him. He should not be this horny and allowed to be in Vegas with his kid.
Randomize
