I woke up with my face in a pile of pancakes and 3000 mistakes.
Is it sad i was sitting here thinkin how i would only fuck Rob Pattinson if he was glittery at said time.
I shall celebrate this moment with a beer conveniently located in the sock drawer directly to the right of me.
new years resolution: more sex, less car punching, more chipotle.
The only dream I remember having is one where my dad's sperm turned into baby hippos. Like, tiny baby hippos, pocket-sized. I am so fucked up.
i like being sick. whatever the doctor gave me is awesone. the walls are waving at me. i never want to get better.
The dumpster is full of naked people swimming. I'm going to join.
Just made a list of all the guys I've hooked up with. "Roofie tattoo eyelids", "xanex night guy", "rainy concert", "cory blanket" and "naked hottub guy" made it.
My chiropractor just high fived me for getting drunk enough to throw my back out this weekend.. Life. Complete.
i just googled coccaine effects on sexual performance..maybe im dating the wrong guy
Hey Cat, it's Michael. You made out with me for a hot dog last night and I feel super used.
Drunk me has cost me a lot in cell phones...
I came so hard my ears popped.
you were so drunk that when the mouse on your laptop didnt work anymore you decided to just take it into the bathroom and pee on it while laughing like a mad scientist.
is it sad that a disney movie is making me horny?
Randomize
